Sunday, March 29, 2009
No Barbie I do NOT know Ken!!!
I got the funniest, yet saddest phone call today. A lady called me today and the first words out of her mouth were "Do you know Ken?" Now, I did not immedietly reply cuz I was fighting the urge to say, "Well, no Barbie, I do not!" Instead I answered, "I think you have the wrong number." She then said, "Well, this number is on his phone and I wanted to know who you were. So, do you know Ken." Again I said, "No, I do not." She said, "Well, you talked at 11:30 Thursday night, now do you remember?" I told her that at 11:30 Thursday night I was asleep cuz my babies were asleep. But she still insisted that we talked. Finally I understood. She was checking up on her boyfriend!!!! I then politely explained to her that I was married with 2 kids and that if she was in fact checking up on her boyfriend I was not the person he was calling, he had dialed the wrong number. All the while I felt like yelling into the phone ," Listen up Barbie, I am an old married woman with 2 kids a lack of sleep, exercise, living on cheetoes and whatever else I can get my kids to eat, I have absolutely no energy, extra time, or sex drive to even entertain the thought of diddling your Ken so bug off!!!" But I controlled myself and she eventually hung up. I did get a good laugh at her expense though, so did my honey!!!
Creeping
As excited as I have been about going off my meds, I may be calling my doc tomorrow to go back on them. I have been feeling that feeling creep back up slowly this last week and I have been ignoring it, but after Friday night I can't ignore it anymore. I am in a constant state of panic again, and I hate it. Friday night I had either a back ache that made my stomach hurt or vice versa, well it hurt so bad I felt like I was going to throw up and it kept me up all night long, it is gone now and I feel fine, except my mind won't stop thinking about it. I automatically think worse case senarios. It is my main OCD symptom. I am pretty sure it was my back making my stomach hurt cuz I had done 4 miles in 1 hour dragging 60 + extra pounds behind me. My mom has had such bad back problems (and it was back she saw a doc) she thought she was having a heart attack. So this is genetic, but I can't stop thinking about it. I am shaking non stop, my hands and feet feel funny, I don't want Jeremy to go to work, I'm not eating again, I don't sleep, and all I do is cry. I feel like I am back to square one, and all because I was stupid enough to think that I was all better and could do it without meds. Well, now I need to put on a fake smile because I have to go host a baby shower. And please if you are going to comment on anything about this post do it about the depression or anxiety or psych meds, not the back or stomach pain or what you think it could be cuz that will make me worse, and don't tell me in person either, thanx for your support.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Are your panties in a bunch?
hahaha! We figured out what Faith's problem is. A little background. She has been pulling at herself for like, a month. So day before yesterday I had to take a look to see if she had an infection. Yep, a little one, so i put some cream on it all day, it is all cleared up. But what caused it?!?!?!? Her panties were too tight!!!! HAHAHA!! So anyways, she now has brand new princess panties courtesy of Nana, and all is better. I cleaned out her drawer so she won't put on the tight ones again. Don't YOU hate it when your panties are in a bunch?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
When my fat pants are on
Today I have on my fat pants. Yes it is that time of the month, and boy am I a grump!! I am cramping, grouchy, hormonal, and all that goes with it. So, if you see me in my fat pants, fair warning, you may become a target of a mood missle!!!!
Finally we are getting some rain! Right now it is pouring down rain, and even thundering. It was cool, but now it is warm, or is that due to my fat pants? huh. oh well. Faith is loving the rain, she likes the sound. I am letting her on the back porch, it is inclosed so she is safe. Maybe my grass will green up. I really hope that this rain continues for a few days. We sure can use it. Ahhh here comes the cool air again.
Better go wake up Paige! She has been napping for 3 hours now. But I can't blame her. She had a rough time at playgroup today. A little boy twice her age kept pushing her down. My poor baby, all she did was smile at him and touch his chair! And she can barely walk as it is. Oh well, maybe I will get up the nerve and talk to his mommy next time I see her. I just don't know how to do it, and I don't want to cause any trouble because I really enjoy being around her. We'll see how it goes.
Finally we are getting some rain! Right now it is pouring down rain, and even thundering. It was cool, but now it is warm, or is that due to my fat pants? huh. oh well. Faith is loving the rain, she likes the sound. I am letting her on the back porch, it is inclosed so she is safe. Maybe my grass will green up. I really hope that this rain continues for a few days. We sure can use it. Ahhh here comes the cool air again.
Better go wake up Paige! She has been napping for 3 hours now. But I can't blame her. She had a rough time at playgroup today. A little boy twice her age kept pushing her down. My poor baby, all she did was smile at him and touch his chair! And she can barely walk as it is. Oh well, maybe I will get up the nerve and talk to his mommy next time I see her. I just don't know how to do it, and I don't want to cause any trouble because I really enjoy being around her. We'll see how it goes.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Long Day
It has been a long day. So busy. I didn't get to go on my jog cuz i could not get a sitter. Oh well, I went to Millers BBQ with my mom instead. I was very good. I split a kids meal with my kiddos so I didnt eat too much. I am very tired though. My house is soooooo clean and smells so good. Doc got my back to move so now it feels much better so I can screw it back up again tomoro when I go jogging. I WILL GO!!! I may just have to go to the track and take the girls in the wagon and force myself to keep a good pace. We'll see how that goes. I am looking forward to the Beach to Bay marathon and how I will feel so accomplished. I know when I get done with my 4-5 miles I feel more alert than ever befor. I love it , it is like a high I guess, though I wouldnt know what a high feels like, unless you count tylonol PM or my psych meds!! Which I no longer have to take, thank You Jesus!!!!
I have learned over the last year that the best thing for me to do is to tell my story and let people know what I have been through. Now that doesnt mean I am going to go up to random strangers and say "Hi! I am Alli and I am OCD, clinically depressed, have PPD, and anxiety disorder, previously medicated, currently seeing a loony doc, and almost offed myself!" No way! I have to know a person a while before I share, but I have found by sharing that there are many more people out there like me, or versions of me. It also opened up my own families eyes to our genetic makup and how all of this runs in the family. No one would ever talk about it so we all felt alone. Big mistake IMO.
I know there are groups online for people like me, but I would really like to find one that is local, and with people I know. I was part of a group for people with anxiety disorder, but the book they were reading was so old, and they were all grandparents I couldn't relate, so I quit. IDK, maybe I should start my own support group. It is an idea I have had for a while, but I don't know where to begin or what to do. I also feel that there should be a Mother's ministry at my church, and not just a Women's ministry. Don't get me wrong, Women's ministry definitly has a purpose and a good one at that, but a mother has a completely different mental and even chemical makeup than that of a woman without children. The needs of mothers are not being met, and in the "motherhood community" there are sooooooooo many divisions that are unnecisary. BF moms agains FF moms and vise versa. Even moms who say that any form of c-section is laziness (crazy huh? thank goodness there are very very few of them. let me just say that those of you who do believe that, if i had not had a c-section i probably would be dead and not here for you to hate on me).
Man , my brain is on overdrive!! hahaha, better shut it down for now before it burns up!
I have learned over the last year that the best thing for me to do is to tell my story and let people know what I have been through. Now that doesnt mean I am going to go up to random strangers and say "Hi! I am Alli and I am OCD, clinically depressed, have PPD, and anxiety disorder, previously medicated, currently seeing a loony doc, and almost offed myself!" No way! I have to know a person a while before I share, but I have found by sharing that there are many more people out there like me, or versions of me. It also opened up my own families eyes to our genetic makup and how all of this runs in the family. No one would ever talk about it so we all felt alone. Big mistake IMO.
I know there are groups online for people like me, but I would really like to find one that is local, and with people I know. I was part of a group for people with anxiety disorder, but the book they were reading was so old, and they were all grandparents I couldn't relate, so I quit. IDK, maybe I should start my own support group. It is an idea I have had for a while, but I don't know where to begin or what to do. I also feel that there should be a Mother's ministry at my church, and not just a Women's ministry. Don't get me wrong, Women's ministry definitly has a purpose and a good one at that, but a mother has a completely different mental and even chemical makeup than that of a woman without children. The needs of mothers are not being met, and in the "motherhood community" there are sooooooooo many divisions that are unnecisary. BF moms agains FF moms and vise versa. Even moms who say that any form of c-section is laziness (crazy huh? thank goodness there are very very few of them. let me just say that those of you who do believe that, if i had not had a c-section i probably would be dead and not here for you to hate on me).
Man , my brain is on overdrive!! hahaha, better shut it down for now before it burns up!
Cleaning
Lots to do around the crazy house! Hubby was off this last week so of course everything is topsy turvy. Urk! I am so tired already, and I still have a lot to go. Plus Paige has a chiropractor appointment, hopefully i can go jogging tonight, bath times, dinner time, and maybe i will have some alone time. i doubt it though. haha, oh well. tis the life of a mama!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Owwie!
My feet hurt!!! I walked 4 miles in 1 hour and 20 minutes pushing a stroller. I could have gone a lot faster without Paige. Tomorow I will find a sitter.
It is so funny how I can find analogies in the weirdest places. I mean, if I had not had Paige in tow my timed walk would have gone a lot smoother. She was my extra baggage, kind of like in life, when we carry the baggage of any toxic emotion our lives go a lot bumpier and slower. Not how we want to live. The trick is to find the detox that will work best. I know I am still working on that one.
It is so funny how I can find analogies in the weirdest places. I mean, if I had not had Paige in tow my timed walk would have gone a lot smoother. She was my extra baggage, kind of like in life, when we carry the baggage of any toxic emotion our lives go a lot bumpier and slower. Not how we want to live. The trick is to find the detox that will work best. I know I am still working on that one.
Poop
What is with baby poop? I mean sometimes it is all nicely confined to their diaper, but other times it is like spilling out all over the place. Gross. It is kind of like our past relationships that were poopy. Some we can keep confined to the diaper that we threw away in the trash. No remnants or stains left on clothes to remind us of them. Easily forgettable. But others, well, they are harder to get rid of. These friendships I will liken to the blow up poop with orange and red icing in them, or maybe blue. They stain and destroy all clothing they touch, and when I say clothing I really mean lives. As long as you have those clothes in your child's dresser(which let's face it, that is a long long time if you are like me and hate cleaning them out) you will constantly be reminded of that poop! Those "incidents". In our lives there are "friends" who no matter how many times you try to rid yourselved of their memory you can't. Why is that? Do they deserve to be so unforgettable? hmmmmmmm... something to think about.
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